Military Spouse: Die Hard or Spoonfed?

This week in my series for Everyone Serves, I’m going to shift gears just a touch. This particular topic does not relate directly to my deployment (or any deployment), although deployment is certainly a factor to consider in the discussion. But today, I want to talk about perception. Specifically: the perception of military spouses.

The question I want you to keep in the back of your minds while you are reading is “what does a military spouse look like?”

It’s an interesting question for me to be addressing, because I bet that even those of you who know me don’t picture me when you think about what a military wife is like. I don’t fit the archetype. And if I don’t fit it, that means there must be one. Or at least, we must have been sold on the idea of one.

There are actually two competing archetypes that are popular for the media to throw around these days. They are polar opposites, and boy do they cause a stir among actual military spouses. Ironically enough, even among our own ranks we are split on the question of which one is right.

One camp’s archetype is one I’ll call the “Die Hard MilSpouse.” She is the tough-as-nails, fights-for-her-family-while-her-soldier-fights-for-his-country military wife (or husband, but I’ll use one gender for ease of constructing a sentence). Rosie the Riveter is her spirit guide. This woman can handle anything; she’s time-tested, hardworking and ready for whatever comes her way because she has to be.

The other camp’s archetype I’ll call the “Spoonfed MilSpouse.” She’s the spoiled, lazy all-I-do-is-drink-tea-with-the-FRG-ladies-because-that’s-all-the-FRG-does woman. (The FRG archetype is a whole other ball of wax). She’s allergic to work, oozing entitlement. She’s never satisfied with what she has, always demanding more. Loudly. She’s the MilSpouse of which our VetSpouse grandmothers are ashamed because she’s never seen real hardship.

A good example of the sparring that occurs between these archetypes happened earlier this year. In the military community, we called it “Ketchupgate.” An author from the Washington Post wrote an article describing the military as an entitlement culture of Spoonfed MilSpouses. Numerous military spouse bloggers fired back, waiving the banner of Die Hard MilSpouse. You can see examples here and here of just a few of those responses.

But often the sparring is much more subtle. Earlier this month, SpouseBuzz published an article called “5 Things Military Spouses Could Learn From Their ‘Old School’ Sisters,” which sounds like the gentle chiding of Spoonfed MilSpouse’s VetSpouse grandmother trying to put her back on the right track. Spend five minutes looking at the comments, though, and you see the conversation quickly devolves into open warfare. People take these things very personally.

The thing about Die Hard MilSpouse and Spoonfed MilSpouse is that they’re convenient caricatures with almost no basis in reality. I’m sure somewhere out there both of these women (and men) exist. But as with every effort to summarize an entire group of people, the thousands of shades of MilSpouse in between them are totally lost. In my experience, though, most MilSpouses fall much closer to the Die Hard end of the spectrum than the Spoonfed end. Frankly, Spoonfed is not a word in my vocabulary for descriptors of the military life, so it's hardly apropos of any person in it. For my money, a MilSpouse looks a lot like any other person working hard to take care of their family, only they have to balance that care against duty and service. 

One reason the caricatures persist is that civilian culture and military culture are just different. When the military community wants to be heard, we have to shout a lot louder because there are far fewer of us. And the problem, of course, is that we serve in silence the rest of the time. People don’t often hear what our lives are like in the 98% of the time that we’re not shouting; the demands are all anyone hears. So let me break down three of the things that we shout for, and why they are important.

FAIRNESS. Many (if not most) soldiers come to the military with the kind of education, professional skills, and experience that are very valuable in the private sector. They know, by choosing to serve their country rather than work as a civilian, that they will not be paid what the private sector pays people with like skills. And that’s ok.

What’s not ok, though, is when the pay and benefits difference is so great that a military family can barely scrape by. When that happens, people start leaving the military. That happened in the 90s. The pay difference became so great that personnel retention was a big issue. So the Department of Defense, started trying to play catch-up. Annual raises in the military outpaced annual raises for other government employees, because DOD was working to close a gap. Even with those raises, military pay and benefits are still far behind what you find in the private sector today.

But that is not what you hear in the media. What you hear is that, on a percentage basis, soldiers are getting bigger raises than everyone else, and so they should be cut. Everyone else has to pay for medical insurance, so military families should too. Private sector retirement benefits have greater limitations than military retirement benefits, so the military needs to change.

"...fight for your families, your sons and
your daughters, your wives and your home."

And so we shout for fairness. We shout that military pay is still woefully out of pace with market, and cuts will make it even worse. We shout that soldiers should have their health looked after by the country they are fighting for. (Their families, by the way, do not get free health care. We pay premiums, deductibles, and copays just like everyone else). And we shout that a career of military service is different from a civilian career. It takes a different toll on the soldier, and the family. And we shout that there is no fairness in changing the system when people are already in it, when people have already spent years serving. Which leads to my next point.

GOOD FAITH. As with any other professional commitment, a person becomes a soldier by contract. The person joining the military promises to serve and defend this nation, promises a fixed period of time for that service, and promises to honor that commitment even if it means sacrifice of life and limb (for some, it costs that much). In return, the government makes promises too. Promises of compensation and benefits. Promises that the soldier will be well-trained and well-equipped when called upon to defend this nation in combat. Promises of care for a soldier’s family during the course of service.

Recently all of these promises have been under attack. Maybe that sounds melodramatic, but it’s the truth. The United States needs to reduce its spending, and Congress is calling for the majority of that reduction to come from Defense. There have been calls for reduced pay and benefits; reduced expenditures at military installations; reduction or elimination of family “entitlements” like grocery stores, and on-post schools and medical facilities.

And so again, all we can do is shout. We shout for good faith. We call on this country to keep its promises: to pay what’s been promised; to care for our soldiers (our HUSBANDS and WIVES) in the way this country has promised; to care for the families back home as promised. 

We do not shout that all must stay the same. As I’ve written before, most of us recognize that certain things need to change. But we are expected by this country to serve as promised, and so we shout for this country to care as promised. That leads to my final point.

RESPECT. There’s one way in which some of these “old guard” MilSpouses are different from today’s: they weren’t volunteers. They didn’t choose to serve, they came to service by way of the draft. Today’s military is an all-volunteer force. People choose to serve this country, and as a direct result of that choice, other people are not required to serve.

Unfortunately, sometimes it is easy to forget that the reason we don’t have a draft today is because we don’t need one. There are enough people who volunteer. They serve on behalf of everyone else.

And so we shout for respect. We are serving so you don’t have to! We shout for recognition of a very real sacrifice that we live every day for a country we love. We shout that every civilian has the freedom not to serve because someone else is doing so.

And the reason that respect is important is because it provides the context for everything else we shout for. We are volunteers. We are the 1% serving on behalf of an entire nation of people. And to continue serving we need fairness. And we need good faith. 

Follow Blue Star Families on Facebook, Twitter, and Google+ and build a support network so you can keep your family and personal community strong throughout the duration of the entire deployment life cycle.

Please click HERE to read my disclosure statement, in compliance with FTC guidelines.

Prayers to Start a New School Year

This week, as I walked into church on Sunday morning there was a very large table set up in the entryway. On the table were hundreds of clear plastic sandwich bags. In each bag were two items: a picture of a child, and a magnet bearing this phrase: "Please pray for me!"

The assignment was simple: each family in the church takes a baggie. Each child's picture goes on someone's refrigerator. The family prays for that particular child as he or she begins a new school year. That way, every child in the church is being prayed for specifically by someone.

I really love that! And what I love most is that many of us don't even know the child we are praying for. The church has a Spanish ministry and a Chinese ministry, and though we sometimes come together for fellowship they have their own worship services in their native languages. Shoot, even the fluently English-speaking among us don't all know each other because there are two morning services on Sunday! But there they were, all of our children, laid out on a table. One thing in common, and one goal for all of us: pray for these kids as they head back to school.

My family chose Kevin. I don't know Kevin or his family, but I wrote a prayer for him and you can see it below. We pray for him every day. And I know enough educators to know that it's not just the kids who need strength and encouragement to start a new year, so I've been borrowing Kevin's prayer for the teachers too.

So here's a fun exercise. I would like for every one of you who reads this post to find one person (or more, if you're feeling ambitious!) among your FB friends--a child going back to school, or a teacher trying to guide many--and say a prayer specifically for that person. You can borrow Kevin's prayer, or you can say your own. And feel free to share! Let's see what happens when we are intentional about putting this 2013-14 school  year in God's hands!

Heavenly Father,

As we begin yet another school year, I ask you to be with Kevin.

Starting school can be exciting, but it can also be pretty frightening. Whether it's a new teacher, a new school, new classmates, or new subjects to learn, there's a lot of the unknown to deal with. 

Please help Kevin not to worry about the unknown. Give him peace, and help him know that You are his navigator, and it's not unknown to You.

Please encourage Kevin, guide him to good friends and good influences, and give him strength to resist the bad ones. Help him to recognize the difference when that is a hard thing to do.

Please be with Kevin's teachers; may they lift him up and help him learn all of the things that he needs to, and may they instill in him a love for learning. Give them patience with him on his rough days. Give him patience with them on theirs.

Above all else, Lord, help Kevin know that You are there. Every step, every turn, every quiz and lesson and lunch break--You are there watching over him because You love him.

I ask these things in Your sweet Son's name,

Amen.

Is Your Military Kid Artistic? Here's a Contest for You!

Blue Star Families is running a Way-Cool Creativity Contest to give military kids a chance to express their museum experiences through artwork. Here's how it works:

1. Blue Star Families and the National Endowment for the Arts have partnered with 2,000 museums across the country to provide free admission to military families. A list of all the participating Blue Star Museums can be found by clicking here. Or, if you've already visited a Blue Star Museum, proceed to Step Two.

2. Visit a Blue Star Museum with your family (for FREE!) over the Labor Day weekend, then let your kid's imagination run wild. Entries can be scanned images of fixed media or 3-5 minute videos. 

3. Upload your child's entry by following the link above no later than September 2. 

4. Blue Star Families members will vote on the winners in two age categories, and there are prizes for first, second, and third place in each age group.

If you haven't made plans for the Labor Day weekend, here's a fun activity for the whole family! 

Have fun, enjoy, and good luck!!

Even When He's Gone...

For months before Jake left for Afghanistan, I fretted about how I was going to talk to Howie about his absence. And I still do, pretty much daily. Only now I'm afraid that one of these times we talk about how far away Daddy is, I'm going to turn into a giant blubbery mess and freak my poor baby out. Fortunately, I'm on a "held it together" hot streak right now. I just hope it lasts...

At three years old, Howie's concept of time stops at the point where he can no longer count days on his fingers. Which is not super helpful on the front end of a nine-month deployment. He understands that "Afghanistan" is far away, and he understands that "deployed" means that Daddy has an important job helping people far away, and he can't come home until his job is done. He understands, but he forgets. And sometimes, he rejects the whole premise of deployment, declaring that Daddy is going to come home in three days. Sigh.

Howie got a kitchen this past Christmas, and it has a toy phone in it. Ever since then, he has started every morning by "talking to Daddy" on his kitchen phone. Usually it's just a quick episode, like "Good morning Daddy, I'm with Mommy and we are getting ready for school. Talk to you later!"

The morning "phone calls" have continued, but these days they result in questions: Is Daddy done in Afghanistan yet? Will Daddy be home tomorrow? Will we see Daddy at dinner? It's a little heart-wrenching, and usually Howie is not satisfied with the answers anyway. Sometimes he even argues with me, because he just wants Daddy home. And, he'll again declare that Daddy is coming home in three days. Double sigh.

My brain tells me that, just like getting used to Daddy's car being here, not having Daddy home will just take time to sink in. My heart tells me that I don't want him to stop wondering when Daddy will come home. It hurts to explain it to him, but it would hurt more if Daddy's absence didn't occur to him.

Having not been through deployment with a small child before, I didn't really know what to expect, or how to plan. I read tons of posts from other "mil-mom" bloggers; trawled Amazon for books on preschoolers and deployment; I even checked out the chapters of Everyone Serves that might help out. 

In the end, the thing that is helping most isn't a "how to" or an in-depth look at the three-year-old psychology of coping. Actually, it's a lot simpler than that, and it's something that I almost threw away!

At pre-deployment briefing, families are provided with lots of information--books, pamphlets, children's books, hotline numbers, etc. It is all very useful information from which a family can pick and choose depending on their particular needs. One thing that has become standard issue for all families facing deployment, though, is the Daddy Doll.

Daddy Doll--Daddy's face, cuddly body, crazy hair!

Operation Give a Hug has the Daddy Dolls made, and volunteers hand them out along with the information packets at pre-deployment briefing (although they can also be ordered here for families that missed the opportunity).

To be honest, I thought the little doll was kind of creepy looking. And I didn't really think that Howie would like it; there's really only one stuffed animal he's ever cared about, and it's a monkey Pillow Pet. And not just any monkey Pillow Pet! I've bought replacements for his, which is falling apart at this point. He knows the difference between a monkey and his monkey.

Howie LOVES Daddy Doll!!

But I have to admit, I was totally wrong. Howie LOVES Daddy Doll.

When we travel, Daddy Doll goes. 

When Howie goes to a friend's house, Daddy Doll pays them a visit too.

When we read our Bible Stories before bed, Daddy Doll sits in Howie's lap, where he can see the pictures, too. 

In the morning, Howie makes his bed, tucks Daddy Doll in (because "he's going to take a nap, Mommy"), and gives him kisses before we leave for school.

My tough face Mommy!!

Howie went through a couple of weeks where he thought he was afraid of the dark. It was something of a shock to me because Howie had never been afraid of the dark before. And after three blissful years of Howie not wanting to sleep in our bed, I didn't want to start now.

Thankfully, sleeping with Daddy Doll made him feel tough! "I'm not scared Mommy!" he declared the first morning I woke him up from a full night of sleep in the dark (first time in weeks!). 

And sometimes, I will hear Howie over the baby monitor at night, talking to Daddy Doll like they are old friends. The same way that he talks to his Daddy when Jake is home. 

"We have to say our prayers, Daddy Doll. Don't forget to say thank you for the kitties!"

A good night's sleep at last!!

Thank you, Daddy Doll, for being the little piece of Jake that Howie needs to make him feel like his Daddy is not so very far away.

On Balance and the Two Kinds of Busy

This week, all of the Everyone Serves bloggers are writing about maintaining balance during deployment. But honestly, I'm not totally convinced that I'm qualified to provide an opinion on this particular subject.

I'm that girl. The one everyone is constantly asking "how do you do all of the things you do?" Army wife; mom to a toddler; partner in a law firm; serving on the boards of (and volunteering for) MSJDN and Leadership Houston. The short answer is: I just GSD! (get stuff done, although certain of my fellow MSJDN Coms Team members use a stronger "S" word...). But I really do. I'm that super busy girl, but I'm the one you can count on to keep my commitments. All of them. Even when there really are too many (it does happen occasionally).

That I GSD doesn't prevent me from being criticized for being too busy, though. In fairness, that puts me in really good company. What ambitious woman hasn't been made to feel like she'd be better served by just staying at home with the kids? Those kinds of remarks make me angry because (1) they are belittling of women who do stay at home with the kids, which is actually a tough job and a lot of work (not to mention, it's ignorant; those moms tend to have other commitments too!); and (2) oh really? Clearly you've underestimated how awesome women are!

Family is always my top priority, but I think that being well-rounded makes me a better mom. I think showing Howie that caring about our community is important, and I hope it instills in him a desire to give back; to give more, even.

"Busy" is a word that is thrown around so much that it has gotten kind of flat and devoid of meaning. Like what can happen to the word "love," which people tend to apply to everything from their favorite caffeinated beverage to their dearest friend. Even though (we hope) in context, the word does not mean remotely the same thing.

Here's my assessment: if we're talking about it as a state of being, there are really two kinds of "busy." There's busy for busy's sake, and then there's busy with a purpose.

You know "Busy's Sake" types. They're everywhere. Someone who piles on obligations to have their name on things, to feel important, to pad a resume, or just to be able to say "oh, I'm so busy!" These are the people who over-commit in the truest sense--they put a dozen things on their plate, then either phone in all of them, or else flake entirely. "Busy's Sake" is ubiquitous, but is not a value added. Not to the person spinning the plates in the air, or to the plates being spun.

I think that even the most well-intentioned of us sometimes have "Busy's Sake" moments in our lives. Usually it's because we just can't say "no." But in the life of the "Busy's Sake," everything suffers. If not in the short term, then certainly in the long term because nothing ever gets full attention. 

That's why for me, it is important to regularly take stock of the things keeping me busy. If I decide that I don't have a good reason for having something on my plate, I fulfill my commitment, but then I don't renew it. It took a long time to learn that lesson. Actually, I'm still learning...

There is another kind of busy: "Busy With Purpose." On the surface, it can look a lot like "Busy's Sake." Up close, they couldn't be more different.

My Uncle Clayton is an elder for a church in West Texas (read: he ministers to people's spiritual needs). I have heard him say on more than one occasion over the years that the way a person reacts to tragedy bears directly on how he/she will come out of it. He said that the people who focus outside themselves, who concentrate on helping others, find their way out of tragedy because they find much-needed perspective in the world around them. The people who focus inward, however, have a much harder time overcoming because all they see is their own pain.

In those conversations, my uncle was talking about loss. But I think the same thing could be said for a lot of other very stressful situations, with deployment ranking at the top of the list. Left to our own devices, we can really fixate on deployment. We can worry so much around the "what if's" and "it's not fairs" that we can drive ourselves insane just stewing.

For me, the stewing has been a long time in the making. Even before deployment, we were a remote family. I could bring myself low in a hurry thinking about all the things Jake misses of our lives by being away, all the things we could be doing if we were together, all the things that might happen while we are far apart. And those thoughts have only been amplified with Jake in Afghanistan.  

So here's the truth: I stay busy so that I don't have time to think the thoughts that threaten to shatter my precariously cobbled veneer of "okayness" into a million pieces. 

Melodramatic? Yes. But it's also probably the most honest thing I've written about the flood of emotion held back by the discipline required to maintain my schedule and commitments. I do it to myself on purpose, and I am well-practiced in staying busy, and focusing on other things (and other people). I do it to keep it together, and I do it to keep myself from wallowing. 

It didn't occur to me, until I started thinking about this post, that this self-regimenting actually amounts to putting my uncle's words into practice. In taking stock of the things with which I fill my time, I realized that I consistently focus my attention outward (but without thinking of it that way in the moment). I do MSJDN because I don't want future military families to have to live the way we live. I do Leadership Houston because I believe that it makes the Houston community better. I'm there for my friends because it lets me focus on what they need instead of what I feel like I lack. And, during my closely guarded weekends and (most) week nights, I focus on my son. Because I want to shower him with love and watch him grow into a better person than me.

And, okay, I also fill my time to hide from my emotions a little. But I can recognize when I need a time-out to just have a good cry, or some mindless fun, with some friends. Actually, I think that Busy With Purpose demands care for self; otherwise, how can you help others? Especially right now, with the added stress of deployment, I'm trying to be intentional about giving myself what I need. 

What I don't need, though, is to get stuck in the place where all I see is my own pain. 

I don't ever want to be a Busy's Sake. When I've reached the point where a commitment no longer helps people, no longer adds value for me or for my family, I hope I have the good sense to walk away from it. 

But I'm okay being Busy With Purpose. I need things in life that push me outside of myself. They make the world around me better. I hope they teach my son the importance of giving. And, like blogging, they keep me sane and steady as I go.

Follow Blue Star Families on Facebook, Twitter, and Google+ and build a support network so you can keep your family and personal community strong throughout the duration of the entire deployment life cycle.

Please click HERE to read my disclosure statement, in compliance with FTC guidelines.

One Crazy Week!

Photo Opp with President Bellows

It has been a crazy, "planes, trains, and automobiles" kind of past week for me! I've been coast-hopping, so I'm not totally sure that my body knows that time zone it is in right now. It's the kind of week that will really wear you out! But I wouldn't have missed it for the world! Because rarely do I get to pack so many amazing opportunities into a single seven-day period.

It all started in the run-up to the American Bar Association (ABA) Annual Meeting the weekend before last in San Francisco. I was gearing up to attend on behalf of MSJDN with Rachel Winkler, our VP. We had been trying for months to start a dialogue with ABA President Laurel Bellows. She's a huge supporter of women in the profession, and we were looking for some "mutual mentoring," if you will. We wanted the opportunity to introduce her to our amazing group of dedicated attorneys (men and women, though the men are seriously outnumbered) figuring out how to make the legal profession work while serving this country with a uniformed spouse. And on the flip-side, we wanted her advice about how to increase visibility around, and support for, our licensing mission. 

For two weeks before the Annual Meeting we tried to schedule a meeting, but were told that the schedule was simply too packed. So imagine our surprise when she sets up a call with us the day before we left for San Francisco! She was incredible! It was an amazing conversation, and she ended by telling us to grab her at the ABA Women's Rally the next day to say hi. And you know what? She meant it. She was thrilled to see us, and even agreed to stop for a picture before running to her next (and probably hundredth) meeting of the day.

Rachel and I got to do a number of amazing things at the ABA Meeting, and I will be writing about those experiences in the September issue of Bars and Stripes for MSJDN. 

The short version is, we spoke to dozens of leaders in the legal and military communities, drummed up a ton of support for the work we are doing for military spouse attorneys, and even got to teach brick-and-mortar bar leaders a thing or two about how to use technology to better engage their millennials (after all, who better to do that than a group of lawyers who make up a fast-growing virtual bar association!). It was awesome. 

And it was only made more awesome by the watermelon honey martinis Rachel and I drank to toast an incredibly successful trip (seriously tasty!). All I can say is, I really hope MSJDN sends me again next year!

After two days of ABA meetings in San Francisco, I hopped a plane to DC for yet another amazing experience. MSJDN was invited to brief the Second Lady's Office on the work we are doing for military spouse attorneys (!!) and I had the good fortune of being one of the organization's representatives at the meeting. 

I arrived in DC on a Sunday and spent the evening with our president and a couple of other MSJDN members going over updates and talking about where the organization is headed. 

It was awesome! I love the opportunity to interact in person with people I talk to online all the time. There's just no replacement for that! And honestly, as someone who has spent years as a remote Army wife (in fact, I've only ever been a remote Army wife), MSJDN is the first time I have felt like part of the military community. 

With Ashley (left), and Mary--at the White House!

The meeting with Dr. Biden's staff was great. They do a ton of work (with the First Lady's Office, through Joining Forces) in the military spouse licensing space too, and were eager to hear about our work and how they can help. And we (me, Pres. Mary Reding, and our Treasurer Ashley Donahue) also had the honor of telling Dr. Biden's office about an exciting new project MSJDN is working on in partnership with the ABA.

After the meeting, we spent some time celebrating and going over next steps (because for us there are always next steps), and then I spent some time with Mary's family before hopping a plane back to Houston.

Although the trip was truly amazing, it was the going home that was the best part. I'm blessed and constantly amazed by the opportunities that working with/for military families affords me, but nothing beats going home and hugging my sweet baby boy. Tightly!

With Jake and Samia--Class XXXII Dream Team

The last adventure of my crazy week was a little closer to home. One other thing that I love and spend lots of my time on is my city--Houston! Spend five minutes with me and you'll know where I'm from and why it's awesome. 

Three years ago I had the good fortune of being accepted to Leadership Houston, and of going through its amazing program. Many cities have a similar program, which essentially involves putting together a diverse group of multidisciplinary leaders, teaching them about all aspects of the city, and engaging them in large-scale projects to serve the city and make it a better place. It was an incredible experience! So even after I finished the program I stayed active as a volunteer, and I'm now in my second year serving on LH's board of directors. This year, I will be serving as the Chair for the class that is about to start the program, and will basically be running things with the help of a co-chair (Jake), LH's program director (Samia), and a team of volunteers. We had our orientation last week, just after I got back from DC. It was amazing. We put together such a good group for this class! 

As with most of the last week, the orientation was a mix of excitement at what's ahead (because there are SO MANY good things ahead in each of these projects in which I get to be involved), and sheer terror at just how busy the next year is going to be.

Hey! Go big or go home, right?

A Little Goes A Long Way

We're now a week into deployment, so I've been spending time going through the Deployment chapters in Blue Star Family's Everyone Serves book. The chapter covers relationships and communication during deployment for all aspects of family--spouses, kids, parents, siblings, friends. It also has good information about remote conflict resolution (read: fighting when you're too far apart to kiss and make up), and practical tips about how to take care of home (and yourself) while your soldier is away.

There are a lot of good tips in the book for handling what deployment throws at you, but a few of them stood out to me:

It's the little things. We are actually both pretty good at little gestures, and it helps that we are always apart, so we already have to come up with creative ways to accomplish the "little things." Some of them are tangible (extra special touches in care packages), while others are simpler (often sillier), like sending each other songs or GIFs or YouTube videos that mean something special to us. Like, for instance, the one where our son chastises himself for saying the word "stupid."

The pen is mightier. This is another one that we are good at. In the almost seven years we've been together (as a couple, not geographically), Jake and I have regularly written each other letters. There's just something special about receiving something that someone took the time to hand write and mail. And what I love about letters is that we can keep them for our children. Our son will still be very small when Jake retires, and I want him to have a frame of reference for the way that we lived as a military family when he gets older.

Okay, so these first two were kind of a personal pat on the back. But you know what? Sometimes it can be really encouraging to read through the information about how to handle these situations and find out that you're actually doing something right. It's affirming, but it's also a reminder to continue doing those things, and even more so now.

And also, while I'm no deployment expert, I know that these work. They have kept us close over seven years of living hundreds (and now thousands) of miles apart as a remote family.

Communicate. Communicate. Communicate. One time our preacher told us that, in order to remember to pray regularly, he basically just spends the entire day praying every time something to pray about comes to mind, then wrapping things up when his head hits the pillow. The advice in Everyone Serves is similar: be consistent in communicating with your soldier. I think sometimes we wait until we have something we consider meaningful to send in an email before we send anything. But, following on the "little things" and "constant prayer" philosophies, I should shoot Jake a message whenever I'm thinking about him. Even if they're silly one-liners. Even if they contain information that is insignificant. It doesn't matter. The reality is, those little snippets are all of home that Jake gets right now, and he needs home.

When Jake is here, we text dozens of times a day. We DO send each other silly insignificant things, just when we think of them. So really I just need to take those thoughts, and send them over email instead.

Be okay with the uneven. On the flip side, there is absolutely no way that Jake will be able to communicate with me as much as I communicate with him. There's no quid pro quo in deployment. My fellow blogger Jacey Eckert at SpouseBUZZ really nailed this one in a post she did a couple of weeks ago. We send MUCH more than we get back. It can be a little disheartening. A little lonely. And, OK I admit it, a little infuriating sometimes.

On the other hand, I also have a lot more of home than Jake does. That's uneven too, and if given the choice I would not want to trade places with him. So maybe this is another of those times I should count my blessings. I miss my best friend. I miss my partner. But I have everything else. And everyone else. For him, right now, I'm the only life-line he has.

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What SHE Said, and Also My Soapbox

As every mom of a toddler knows, some days parenting is amazing and truly rewarding, while some days, you want to crawl into a cabinet and hide from the insanity. I think that really enjoying parenting means seeing the beauty in the former, and the humor in the latter.

That's why I love The Honest Toddler. The Honest Toddler is a mom blogger with a wickedly funny sense of humor who writes from the perspective of her toddler. She's on Facebook, she has a blog, she has a book, she has a possible TV deal, and a pretty loyal following of a quarter million people (because she's HI-larious). And good for her! She's been at this for years and she works very hard at her writing.

Now, she's being bullied by a big bunch of lawyers representing Jesica Alba's Honest Company, which is trying to force the Honest Toddler to pay them for the use of her name for a year, after which she has to find a new one. Sound ludicrous? Well, it is. But it's also true.

I'll save you the run down on the story, because my fellow blogger Jen over at the "People I Want to Punch in the Throat" blog (also pretty hilarious) has sketched the picture so well in her post. But she doesn't just tell the story, she's encouraging other people to help do something. And, in solidarity with Jen and The Honest Toddler, I'm asking you to take ten minutes to read Jen's post, and then sign the petition on Change.org in support of the blogger mom.

In addition to being a mom and a blogger, I'm also a lawyer. And there's nothing I hate more than seeing my profession used as a tool to bully and oppress people. This entire situation strikes me as frivolous*, and a message needs to be sent that it IS. NOT. OKAY.

*Obligatory Legalese Disclaimer: I do not represent either part in the ongoing legal battle, and have not been asked to provide a professional opinion as to whether the claims being made are legally "frivolous." However, Reda the Lawyer and Reda the Hicks Hiker both agree that this is ridiculous and needs to stop.

Prayer for a Deployed Soldier

"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. Then you will call on me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you. You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart."

Jeremiah 29:11-13

Heavenly Father,

It feels really weird to feel thankful that my soldier now finds himself in a war-torn place. But the fact that he's there means he traveled safely; for that, I'm very grateful. 

Now, he stands at the beginning of an even greater journey. He will need You. Please be with him. Help him to rely on You, and look to You in times of uncertainty.

He is in a place where it's impossible to be out of harm's way; please watch over him as he tries to navigate through it.

Please give him peace of mind in this place where peace is a distant memory.

Please stand by him and protect him as he does the same for his fellow soldiers.

Please watch over him while he sleeps, and rest his soul when sleep is hard to come by.

Please comfort him when he's hurting, and remind him You are there when he is lonely and longing for home.

Please help him know how much he is loved and missed, and help me to know how I can make him feel like he's not quite so far away.

Please see him through every step of this journey; help his feet to find the right path, and give him the wisdom to follow it, to follow You.

Above all else, Father, please, PLEASE bring him safely home to his family when his work is done.

I ask these things in Your sweet Son's name,

Amen.

My Arch Nemesis and Other Deployment Ordeals

Big Red 1--Fighting Eagle Battalion

It's finally here! The deployment we've been planning for (and dreading) since January kicked off earlier this week, when the Fighting Eagles said their goodbyes to friends and family and headed out to the sandbox. 

Because getting between Ft. Riley and Houston is difficult (not to mention expensive!), we opted to say our own goodbyes at home, rather than going with Jake back to Kansas. So we were not there for the Deployment Ceremony like so many other families. Fortunately, my FRG Leader sent pictures so we could see the final formation.

B Co. Deployment Ceremony--Photo by Katy Jenkins

So how are we handling things so far? The answer is something of a mixed bag.

The truth is, we are used to being apart. We are a remote family, and we have had to learn how to be "together" apart along the way. Virtual chat (of various kinds) is already a staple in our household. The only big difference is that Jake and I can't text each other dozens of times a day; fortunately that is not an adjustment that Howie has to deal with. Generally speaking, we handle short-term separation well. And short-term in 2013 has meant seeing each other bi-weekly. 

It's usually not until that second Friday that Howie starts asking about daddy, and I start really missing my partner.  Honestly, I think my brain hasn't quite caught up to this either. I probably won't feel the full impact of deployment until our usual separation period is in the rear view mirror. And I anticipated having a solid ten days to collect myself before Howie required explanation.

But this time it was different for him. This time, Howie started asking about his daddy right away. "Will we see daddy tomorrow?" "Is daddy having dinner with us?" "Will daddy be home in a little bit?" It really caught me by surprise, and it made me start wondering, what's causing this?

It wasn't the tearier-than-usual goodbyes (and by that, I mean Howie saw his dad cry for the first time). It wasn't the appearance of a new daddy doll in Howie's bed (he LOVES it, talks to it like they're old friends, just the way he talks to his actual Daddy). It wasn't even the cessation of "Daddy Weeks" and return to his regular schedule.

No, the thing conspiring against me in my efforts to delay toddler heartache was something it did not even occur to me had anything to do with my son: a 2006 Volkswagen Jetta. 

Daddy's car. The only time Daddy's car is ever in Houston, it is because he drove it there from somewhere else. And every time my three-year-old sees it sitting in front of the house, he thinks Daddy has come home, and gets confused when he learns that's not the case.

I know this will pass. Howie will see the car in the driveway enough days in a row and it will sink in. But that's kind of heartbreaking in and of itself. I told Jake I'd drive it once a week while he was gone so it's not just sitting there. But judging by how my little man's face lights up at the idea of driving Daddy's car, it might be more than that. 

Aside from the vehicular hiccup, we seem to be doing OK. Last weekend Howie and I had a breakfast date to the Movie Tavern for pancakes and Smurfs 2 (very cute!). He talked about it for hours. Then he asked if we could have a dinner date too, "Like Superman and Lois Mommy!" Hm. I'll have to explain the difference between a date and a mommy date at some point. But that's a problem for another day. All in all, Howie is handling things well so far.

And I'm OK too. Lots of our friends have checked in on me, which is really sweet. Writing for Blue Star Families helps too. I would write about the experience either way, but with BSF I have a fixed schedule. I have to write, even in the times when I might otherwise tell myself "eh, don't worry about it this week." And it's cathartic for me. It's like dragging myself to church when I don't really want to go. I may grumble, but I always leave feeling much better when I do; because I needed it.

Between writing, work and MSJDN, I have plenty to keep me busy, and more every day it seems like. Unfortunately, the thing that will keep me busy next week is Murphy's Law of Deployment. 

Apparently, the inanimate objects in our life decided to wait until Jake was gone to revolt. The air conditioner decided to go wonky; the washer is not working quite right; the (other) car is starting rougher than it should. I'm hoping these things will be easy to fix. 

On the other hand, this may be the universe telling me to stop asking for more things to keep me busy. If so, message received!!

Follow Blue Star Families on Facebook, Twitter, and Google+ and build a support network so you can keep your family and personal community strong throughout the duration of the entire deployment life cycle.

Please click HERE to read my disclosure statement, in compliance with FTC guidelines.